Fix the Family has a great post on the six reasons you shouldn’t send your daughter to college. As a daughter who was erroneously sent to college, I figured I’d throw in my perspective on their totally-correct points. Check it out:

1. I now attract the wrong types of men.

Now that I’m on a path towards being a college-educated person, my earning potential has gone way up (I mean, I’m a linguistics major, so take that with a grain of salt, but it’s better than nothing). That means I now attract men who are looking for women who can feed themselves. Those kinds of men — the ones who would like for their partners to be able to feed themselves — are the worst. And they’re all over me.

2. I am surrounded by sin.

College is the most sinful place ever. There is sin everywhere. We cheat, we steal, we stab each other with knives, and that’s all before lunch. Lunch, of course, is always a healthy meal of shellfish in the company of gleefully wanton homosexuals. At night, we do some ritual sacrifice to false idols, then fornicate (premaritally!) to satanist music.

And we all take birth control pills. It’s just awful.

3. I am not learning to be a wife and mother.

Not once has Brown taught me how to swaddle an infant, prepare a meal for my husband, or even load the dishwasher properly.

Instead, it’s teaching me unpleasantly masculine topics like “Health Care in the United States” and “Italian” and “Sociolinguistics.” They’re basically forcing me to close my Pinterest account, start watching football, and change my name to “George.” Women don’t need to speak Italian! Women speak baby! *

4. College is expensive.

Instead of spending money on my tuition, my parents could have kept it, taught me how to be a wife and mother, and then handed me to a man with enough earning potential for both of us. Obviously that would have been a much smarter investment.

5. I shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone.

Damn straight. There isn’t one specific way for a woman to prove her worth (except of course being a good wife and mother). I shouldn’t feel pressured into pursing any path that isn’t for me!

I wish someone had told me this earlier. I pretty much only went to college because feminist society expected me to, and most girls I know feel the same way. We sit around doing our manly economics homework, complaining that we’d rather just get pregnant and learn to knit. **

6. It might lead my parents into a life of sin.

In order to pay my tuition, my family has gone to desperate measures. Sinful measures. My mother has started selling her body, and my father has taken a part-time job as an assassin. He only assassinates good Christians.

Also, because more kids means more tuitions to pay, they decided to only have two children, which may have involved contraception. Clutch your pearls. (I’m actually pretty happy to imagine that my parents have only ever had sex twice, both times resulting in a child, and they didn’t enjoy it.)

7. I regret it.

I wish I hadn’t gone to college. I’m not having a good time here at all, I’m not learning anything worth my time, and I’m definitely not finding a husband. Eventually, having a college education will force me into a career I don’t like, a marriage with a shitty guy (i.e. a guy who thinks it’s okay for women to have careers), and a minivan full of neglected kids. College is the worst.

Unless of course you have a son. Definitely send your son to college.

* Real talk: Ironically, two of the classes I’ve taken at Brown, “Introduction to Human Development and Education” and “Child Language Acquisition” will actually be really useful when I eventually reproduce. #funfact.

** If you’re only going to college because you feel like everybody expects you to, and you’d rather get married and start having babies or something, by all means go right ahead. But I’m willing to bet most women don’t feel that way.

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